Goodbye to the port and brandy
To the vodka and the Stag
To the Schmiddick and the Harpic
And the bottle draught and keg
As I sat looking up at the Guinness ad
I could never figure out
How your man stayed up on the surfboard
After fourteen pints of stout
I dreamt a dream the other night, Jesus, I couldn't sleep a wink
The rats were tryin' to count the sheep and I was tryin' to get off the drink
There was footsteps in the parlour and voices on the stairs
And I was climbin' up the walls and I was movin' round the chairs
I looked out from under the blanket and up at the fireplace
There was the Pope and John F. Kennedy and Jack Charlton
And the three of them were starin' me in the face
And suddenly it dawned on me - by God, I'm gettin' the D.T.s
When the child of Prague began to dance
Around the mantlepiece
Well I swore upon the bible that I'd never again touch a drop
I tell you, my heart was palpitatin', I was sure it was goin' to stop
And thinking I was dying I gave my soul to God to keep
And ten pounds to St. Anthony to help me find some sleep
I fell into an awful nightmare, got a dreadful shock
When I dreamt there was no duty-free in the airport down in Knock
I dreamt Ian Paisley was sayin' the rosary
And Mother Teresa was takin' the pill
And Frank Patterson was out of his head
And by God, he was singing Spancil Hill
I dreamt I was in ecstasy in heaven, and in agony in hell
I was bored in limbo and then I was in purgatory as well
And there was original sins and venial sins and mortal sins by the score
So I tied barbed wire round my underpants and I flagellated myself on the floor
Then I dreamt I was in the confessional box and the auld bishop said to me
Any impure thoughts, my child? The fuckin' barbed wire was killing me
And then I dreamt I was in the jacuzzi
With that auld whore in no. 10
And then I knew I'd never ever
Ever drink again
As sung on 'Live at the Point' (1994)
Delirium Tremens #2
[Chorus same as 1994]
I dreamt a dream the other night I couldn't sleep a wink
The rats were tryin' to count the sheep and I was off the drink
There were footsteps in the parlour and voices on the stairs
I was climbin' up the walls and movin' round the chairs.
I looked out from under the blanket up at the fireplace.
The Pope and John F. Kennedy were starin' in me face.
Suddently it dawned at me I was getting the old D.T.s
When the Child o' Prague began to dance around the mantlepiece.
Well I swore upon the bible I'd never touch a drop.
My heart was palpitatin' I was sure I 'twas going to stop,
Thinkin' I was dyin' I gave my soul to God to keep.
A tenner to St. Anthony to help me get some sleep.
I fell into an awful nightmare - got a dreadful shock.
When I dreamt there was no Duty-free at the airport down in Knock.
George Seawright was sayin' the rosary and SPUC were on the pill.
Frank Patterson was gargled and he singin' Spancil Hill.
I dreamt that Mr. Haughey had recaptured Crossmaglen
Then Garret got re-elected and gave it back again.
Dick Spring and Roger Casement were on board the Marita-Ann
As she sailed into Fenit they were singin' Banna Strand.
I dreamt Archbishop McNamara was on Spike Island for three nights
Havin' been arrested for supportin' Traveller's rights.
I dreamt that Ruairi Quinn was smokin' marijuana in the Dail
Barry Desmond handin' Frenchies out to scuts in Fianna Fail.
I dreamt of Nell McCafferty and Mary Kenny too
As sung on 'Ordinary Man'
The things that we got up to, but I'm not tellin' you.
I dreamt I was in a jacuzzi along with Alice Glenn
'Twas then I knew I'd never ever, ever drink again.