Henry's Songbook

I met a girl the other night, she smiled and gave me hope
She stayed when all the rest had gone, the music had all stopped
So I took her to a restaurant, the finest in the street
She said she wasnae hungry, but this is what she ate
Three plates of soup, two melons, a pound and a half of roast
Some Irish stew, potatoes too, and then some beans on toast
Next she tried some oysters fried, her appetite was immense
She asked for pie, I thought I'd die for I just had fifty pence

And when the food was finished she smiled so very sweet
Said she wasn't hungry, and she wished that she could eat
And when she called the waiter back my heart began to sink
She said she wasn't thirsty but she showed me how to drink
Three whiskies, two vodkas, twenty pints of beer
Fourteen brandies, thirteen gins, quickly disappeared
Four pints of Guinness followed, she astonished all the gents
She called for more, I fell on the floor for I just had fifty pence

And then this delicate little lass cleaned out the ice-cream can
And said, Now Iain, I'll tell my mum you're such a nice young man
She said she'd bring her sister too next time she came, for fun
I gave the waiter my fifty pence, and this is what he done
He stood on my toes, broke my nose, knocked me out of breath
My two black eyes were worth a prize, he kicked me half to death
He pulled me out the restaurant, he threw me o'er the rail
And that was when the polis came and took me to the gaol

So if I don't smile back tonight, girls, use your common sense
You know I'm only thinking of my experience
But I'm feeling rather hungry, so I wouldn't take offence
If you took me to a restaurant, I've just got fifty pence