Henry's Songbook

(spoken:)
Friends, we're gathered here tonight
On behalf of the Church of the Holy Unit Trust.
When I sing 'Hallelujah, I want you to sing 'Hallelujah'.
When I sing 'Amen', I want you to sing 'Amen'.
When I sing 'Praise the Lord', you will praise the Lord.
We've got souls to save.

Hallelujah, I got religion
Jesus, save my soul, Amen
There's a suite of rooms waiting
In St. Peter's great motel
Praise the Lord, I'm born again

I used to be the Devil's child
I used to be a sinner
I could tell you things would make you choke
On your coke and your T.V. dinner
I used to beat my wife and kids
And treat my mistress mean
Then I gave my soul to Jesus, friends
And now my soul is clean
Yes, I gave my soul to Jesus
And now I'm on His side
And He's chosen me to come tonight
To be your holy guide
But first the Lord needs dollars
To save this world from sin
So empty out your pockets, friends
And then we can begin

My wife Jolene is here with me
Jolene knows her station
So I made her vice-president
Of the Holy Corporation
She helps me do the Lord's good work
She's strong, she's incorruptible
She knows what's right, she knows what's wrong
She knows what's tax-deductible
And my secretary, Mary Lou
She used to be a hooker
Until an angel of the Lord
Came from the sky and took her
In a motel room in Vegas
I helped her through the night
She said, "My soul's in darkness"
So we just kept on the light

Yes, praise the Lord and pledge your soul
To the Holy Unit Trust
Because the Lord needs cash to save this world
From avarice and lust
And for every dollar that you give
One sinner will be blessed
We take Diners', Visa, Mastercard
And American Express

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

[1991:] Last year when I was on my United States tour a televangelist named Jim Bakker got found out in some sex scandal. He was such a holy guy on T.V., but his private life was a mess. - This year when I was back another televangelist called Jimmy Swaggart was caught in a sex scandal! (Intro Iain MacKintosh)

[1992:] Another parody, by Dan Newton (tune 'The Cobbler'):
To me ink-twing of an ink-thing of an i-day
To me ink-twing of an ink-thing of of an i-doe
To me rubaru rubaru randy, and me bankroll continues to grow

Oh me name is Jim Swaggart, I'm a preacher, I used to save souls on TV
But they caught me carousing with floozies and they've taken my program from me

Well, when I was a lad, Ma would scold me, sayin', James, keep your hands off your crotch
Well, to do it was dirty, she told me, but she never said I couldn't watch

Well, they labeled Jim Bakker a pervert, and they called me a lecher, it's true
Even though I never did nothin' - I just asked for a room with a view

Well, my sorrows, they soon will be over, and I'll soon be a rich man again
For I've just sold my story to Playboy and the movie rights to MGM

[1995:] In the mid-Eighties, there was a rash of scandals involving high-profile TV pulpit evangelists, with the wondrously-named Jimmy Swaggart found in a motel room with a hooker, and Jimmy Bakker sentenced to prison for embezzling the contributions of his flock. (Christopher Hitchens, Observer, 1 October)

[1998:] [Disgraced President Bill] Clinton is in fact relying on excuses developed by far-Right preachers caught with their trousers down and posteriors exposed to the congregation. The career of Jimmy Swaggart, a tele-evangelist who reached 14 million viewers in the Eighties and earned about £100 million a year, seemed over when he was photographed with a prostitute. Yet his church, the Assemblies of God, quickly rehabilitated their star earner. His sins were not as bad as they sounded, explained a spokesman, because Swaggart 'did not engage in sexual intercourse with the woman but paid her to perform pornographic acts'. [...] Before he was exposed, Swaggart had damned Jim Bakker, a rival godly broadcaster, as a cancer which must be cut out of decent society. Bakker had been chasing women and muscular Christian men from his church. He told the boys that his vigorous massages were not a sin because they involved 'neither fornication nor adultery'. (Nick Cohen, Observer, 23 Aug)

[1999:] Tammy Faye has reason to cry for the life she has lost. For she was once the first lady of American religious broadcasting, with a multi-million dollar business built up with her ex-husband, preacher Jim Bakker. [...] The Bakkers met in 1960 at bible college in Minnesota. They married and set out as travelling evangelists. People queued to hear Jim's preaching and Tammy Faye's stirring singing voice. The pair caught the attention of minister Pat Robertson who ran a local TV station, but dreamed of establishing a Christian broadcasting network. [It] was a success and the Bakkers went on to create their own network, PTL (Praise the Lord). From their base in North Carolina, they beamed their blend of showbusiness and religion to millions of viewers around the world via their own satellite. But still Jim wasn't satisfied. Together with the contractor who built his churches, Roe Messner, he created Heritage USA, a Christian theme park. By the Eighties, it was the third most popular in America, with six million visitors a year. Jim financed his schemes with endless TV appeals for money. But as the dollars rolled in, the rumours followed. The Bakkers were accused of spending donations on personal items. Some claimed that Jim was gay - others that he was an adulterer. In March 1987, it all went wrong. A newspaper found out Jim had bribed a church secretary to keep quiet about their brief affair. And Heritage USA [...] had plunged the Bakkers' ministry into debt. Plus $158 million in donations went unaccounted for. 'I hadn't known what was happening. Jim never really allowed me to grow up,' maintains Tammy Faye, now 56. Jim Bakker was sentenced to 45 years in prison for fraud (later reduced to five years). [...] Unable to cope alone, Tammy Faye divorced Jim and married Roe Messner in 1992. Although Roe also served two years for fraud, the couple are now reunited. (What's on TV, 13 Aug)