Henry's Songbook

The other day a wheelnut
Fell from my child's push-chair
Down I went to the push-chair shop
To buy myself one spare
One wheelnut just like that, I said -
He gave me a funny look
One wheelnut just like that, he said -
I'm afraid you're out of luck
Because
They come in little plastic packs
In groups of five or ten
I haven't seen one singly
Since I don't know when
In their little plastic packs
They're easier to sell
They cost you twice the original price
But they don't work half as well

My wife bought six new coffee-cups
One each, four for friends
I promised I would hang them
In the kitchen this weekend
- Hang the cups, not the friends -
So down I went to the ironmonger's
To buy myself six hooks
The ironmonger looked at me
With another of those funny looks
He said
They come in little plastic packs
In groups of five or ten
They haven't been in sixes
Since I don't know when
In their little plastic packs
They're easier to sell
They cost you twice the original price
But they don't work half as well

Now a gallon of petrol in my car
Is four point five four litres
And sixty-two point five miles
Make one hundred kilometres
My lights went out the other day
The garage man said, Fuse
But is it British, Japanese,
Or the German ones you use
Because
They come in little plastic packs
In books of five or ten
I didn't know if I should pay
In pounds or marks or yen
In their little plastic packs
They're easier to sell
They cost you twice the original price
But they don't work half as well

So last month I decided
It was time I went
To see the way Great Britain's run
By Mrs Thatcher's government
So down I went to Westminster
There was a policeman at the door
I said, I want to see a government -
He just stood there looking bored
And said
They come in little plastic packs
In groups of five or ten
I haven't seen a good one
Since I don't know when
In their little plastic packs
They think the people can't tell
That they cost you twice the original price
But they don't work half as well

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

[1989:] A song about the metric system - I hate it. (Intro Iain MacKintosh)

[1995:] From 'M-day' on 1 October the law will demand that a plethora of goods be sold in metric units. [...] National suspicion of the metric system is as old as the system itself, introduced in post-revolutionary France in the 1790s. It was shunned on this side of the Channel as a hideous continental invention. In 1965, the Labour government, fired by modernising zeal, decided the country should turn metric. Since then, the timetable has been pushed back. The arrival of decimal currency day, on 15 February 1971, aroused fresh fears, and during the Seventies and Eighties, the Government consistently ignored the efforts of the Metrication Board to step up the pace. The board was quietly abolished in 1980. But the process continued. In 1981, petrol stations replaced gallons with litres [...]. When the pint and the mile came under threat in the late Eighties, Mrs Thatcher stepped in. As a result, M-day next month will represent a watered-down version of what might have been - the traditional British pint of bitter recategorised as 568.3 millilitres. [...] Long gone are the days of catastrophic metric mix-ups - the most spectacular, in 1983, involved a Canadian Jumbo jet forced to crash land after it ran out of fuel at 39,000ft (the plane had been mistakenly loaded with 22,300 lbs, rather than 22,300 kg of fuel). (Roger Tredre, Observer, 3 September)

[1995:] Britain went fully metric on 1 October - no pints or gallons any more, just litres, no pounds, just kilos, no inches or yards. You didn't know, did you? Neither did we! (Intro Iain MacKintosh)