Henry's Songbook

When Ulysses comes home he always greets me
With an open heart
But you will see how Ulysses
Has taken my life apart

I've got a dog called Ulysses
He plays all day in the park
Sniffing at his friends and the chestnut trees
And chasing cats till after dark

Then when Ulysses comes home - wag wag, wouf wouf
He makes me sick
Because Ulysses communicates
His love with a snuffle and a lick

I like to sit in my fireside chair
Watching TV till the epilogue
In a semi-coma without a care
And I would if it wasn't for my bloody dog

When my Ulysses comes home - wag wag, wouf wouf
Like a maniac
It's useless to pursue my viewing
So I sent my television back

I tried to climb the social scale
I organised a little 'do'
Some very posh people came to my cocktail
But at half past seven my party was through

When my Ulysses came home - wag wag, wouf wouf
I knew I was sunk
My guests were not at all impressed
And left when my dog got drunk

I took my girlfriend home one night
We both knew this was IT
We were drinking wine by candlelight
Getting to a very important bit

When my Ulysses came home - wag wag, wouf wouf
He broke the spell
Intruding on my beautiful romance
Like a hound from hell

My one solution is quick and grim
A little bottle of cyanide
I can't bring myself to get rid of him
I'll have to perform suicide

Then when Ulysses comes home - wag wag, wouf wouf
Home for his tea
He'll have to cry a little bit
For having given so much love to me

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)