(Jeremy Taylor)How about it, Ethel, said old Sid
Ain't it time we had a kid
Thirty years and nothing to show
Something ought to be done, it did
Don't try those dirty tricks on me
Said Ethel, You know I don't agree
With all that filth
I've always lived my life respectably
But for thirty years, old Sid said
It's been as cold in our marriage bed
As the winter of '47,
So for God's sake show some life before we're dead
Now Ethel Brown was surprised
To see her belly increase in size
It's quite obscene, she said
She had always known such things were most unwise
Young Paul was a miserable looking thing
Like bones tied up in a piece of string
And most of the time he cried
And most of the time they let him cry
One day the baby chanced to rest
His tiny hand on Ethel's breast
Get off, she screamed
This little brute, he's sex-obsessed
Now, Sid was not such a bad old chap
But after lunch he liked his nap
And sometimes Paul would yell
So Sid would rise in wrath and give him a slap
And when Paul was old enough
They went on a seaside holiday to Kent
And there they sat in deck-chairs
With newspapers they were content
The mighty waves came rolling in
And Paul was terrified by the din
And he tried to run away
Don't be a sissy, Ethel said, and pushed him in
As Paul grew up he began to stutter
And Mum and Dad were heard to mutter
What's the matter with him?
If he can't control his tongue he must be dim
And when Paul was seventeen he fell
In love with a girl he knew quite well
He took her home one day
Who's that you've got down there, he heard Sid say
It's j-just a f-f-friend, said young Paul
Cho's c-c-come to say hello and all
Take her back, said Ethel
We don't want to know
Now Paul is away in a mental home
His Mum and Dad sit all alone
And wonder what went wrong
We did our best', they say - but he wasn't strong
(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)