Henry's Songbook

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The National Average Man

  • (Stan Patman)

    Hey, ho, where do I go, I want to join if I can
    And be your normal everyday national average man

    Every young man has plans this way to be as rich as he can
    I changed my mind, I just want to be a national average man
    Statistics are wonderful things, from them the papers can tell
    What Mister Average eats and drinks and what he earns as well

    The national average wage they say, is a hundred and sixty pounds
    Why is it then when I get my pay there's nothing like that to be found
    My little wife gets mad as can be and says, Iain you're holding out on me

    Each week the national average man drinks twenty-five pints o beer
    I like a drink on a Saturday, but my intake's nowhere near
    Three bottles of wine he takes with his grub, a bottle of whisky too
    The next time I come into this pub I tell you what I'll do
    I'll look around the people there
    And find the one who's getting my share

    Six hungry mouths at home to feed, I try to make them thrive
    But the national average family they say is only two point five
    I've never seen half a child running round, I've been north and south
    If we get one I'll bet you a pound we get the bit with the mouth

    But wait, it seems this man we take has sex but twice a week
    I think they've made a big mistake, or else they got some cheek
    I don't mind the kids, don't mind the booze, but this one's got me vexed
    I think I've got too much to lose if I have to cut down on my sex

    Final chorus:
    So hey ho where do I go, I want to stay as I am
    Underpaid and oversexed, a less than average man

    (as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

Susannes Folksong-Notizen

  • [2000:] Government statisticians this week claimed that the UK's most famous family - The Averages - continues to spend more money on leisure than anything else. We ask: Who are Mr and Mrs Average? The main clues to British averageness come from a regularly updated Department of Trade survey [AdultData] designed to provide manufacturers with information on the shape and habits of consumers. [...] AdultData also provides a welter of other facts ranging from the size of the Average male and female backside (quite big and extra big, respectively) to a lot of data related to Armpit Height.
    Mr and Mrs Average are married. The idea that they have 2.4 children - an absurdity long used to ridicule statisticians - is wrong. They now have 1.8 children. The Average child and his or her fractional sibling has now left home. The couple has almost a 50/50 chance of getting divorced. The number of single-parent families is increasing. But they are not yet Average - they are merely typical. The Averages have had sex with each other 2,000 times - about 200 times a year during the earlier years of marriage. They can expect the rate to drop to about once a month between the ages of 40 and 70.
    Right now, what they like doing best of all is eating takeaway food while working through the 400,000 hours of television they will watch in their lives. They also like the odd drink or two. Mr Average drinks the equivalent of about seven pints of beer a week. They will also eat 3,500lbs of chocolate and 7,300 eggs over a lifetime. These sedentary and unhealthy eating habits mean The Averages will spend six months on the toilet and, in the end, will probably die of heart disease.
    The Averages live in Swindon. The Wiltshire town has the population most similar to that of the UK a whole, making it - much to the disgust of some who live there - a paradise for market researchers, focus group gurus and marketing pilot schemes. [...] But there are doubts about whether The Averages - despite their frequent outings in the media and the politicians' deep desire to please them - really exist. Professor Fiona Williams of Leeds University, author of a forthcoming report on family life, says: "What characterises families today is diversity, with lots of different types of parenting arrangements." The idea of an "Average" family, Professor Williams believes, is "nonsense".
    Mr Average: 38 years old; Weighs 12st8lbs and rising; Height5'9''; Has 75 friends; Will grow six feet of nasal hair during life; Lives in Swindon; Supports Manchester United; Has already made love (to his wife) 2,000 times but will only do some 850 more times before death at age 74. Source - Department of Trade
    Mrs Average: 40 years old; Weighs 10st7lbs and rising; Height: 5'4"; Waist size: 33" and rising; Has 75 friends; In a lifetime, spends 15 months on the telephone and more than 400,000 hours watching television; Lives in Swindon; Has recently given up smoking; Life expectancy: 79. Source - Department of Trade
    The Average Family: Believe in God; Believe they will one day win the National Lottery; House is worth £91,000; Gardening and dancing now more popular than DIY; Each member will walk 13,673 miles in a lifetime. Source - Institute of Management (BBC News Online, 1 Dec)

Quelle: Scotland

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aktualisiert am 26.04.2002