(Stan Patman)
Chorus:
Hey, ho, where do I go, I want to join if I can
And be your normal everyday national average man
Every young man has plans this way to be as rich as he can
I changed my mind, I just want to be a national average man
Statistics are wonderful things, from them the papers can tell
What Mister Average eats and drinks and what he earns as well
The national average wage they say, is a hundred and sixty pounds
Why is it then when I get my pay there's nothing like that to be found
My little wife gets mad as can be and says, Iain you're holding out on me
Each week the national average man drinks twenty-five pints o beer
I like a drink on a Saturday, but my intake's nowhere near
Three bottles of wine he takes with his grub, a bottle of whisky too
The next time I come into this pub I tell you what I'll do
I'll look around the people there
And find the one who's getting my share
Six hungry mouths at home to feed, I try to make them thrive
But the national average family they say is only two point five
I've never seen half a child running round, I've been north and south
If we get one I'll bet you a pound we get the bit with the mouth
But wait, it seems this man we take has sex but twice a week
I think they've made a big mistake, or else they got some cheek
I don't mind the kids, don't mind the booze, but this one's got me vexed
I think I've got too much to lose if I have to cut down on my sex
Final chorus:
So hey ho where do I go, I want to stay as I am
Underpaid and oversexed, a less than average man
(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)